Step One- the 86th day- as…

…we approach the sixth day of these 90 and 90, now is the moment to talk about what these 2020 ninety and ninety are.

Sobriety ( mine at least) is as fluid as time, water; memories and resentments. They flow from one to another; their building is only in my present moment. Some days are good; some very poor, laced with ingratitudes and self-pities; resentments and pauses. No matter what it is moment by moment; day by past, future and present day.

These six thoughts, and the next 84, are my present 90 days. Today, I could share some thoughts I heard on how: I am enough…or

It is never good or bad; right or wrong: the feeling is just a clinical- fact. or…

… but-

You get the idea. My thought today is on Step One, as the last 5 have been on this Step. From page 68 of the 12 and 12 Step 6 reflects on 1 this, M

‘Many will at once ask, “How can we accept the entire implication of Step Six? “Why-that is perfection!” This sounds like a hard question, but practically speaking, it isn’t. Only Step One, where we made the 100 percent admission we were powerless over alcohol, can be practiced with absolute perfection.’

Only Step One exists and is/can be practiced everyday.


step one experienced, lives in the freshness of God’s love, a prayer

“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.”

a love supreme…

may our love for God be as green as our daily recovery, as fresh as our, my, first love …

may I feel His love as a ‘your love’- a person who loves bed me with all my fears, resentments and sounds and self stories, narratives

may i live bathing in your love surpreme

Lulu nyc June 2020

Good Day, this June 2020

Thank you all for your prayers; your cards and calls; especially thank you for love- your love have has covered me,

Some context .,,

Last June 2019 I had a partial right knee replacement surgery. The doctor had good reviews; the partial replacement was an old surgery that was becoming new again. Three months easy recovery and no more pains.

Then we were to do the left knee as it also needed surgery.


Well, twenty years ago I had a car hit me while I was crossing a street. My right leg was broken; then it healed and was forgotten.

Till August 2019. Till my my new right knee replacement and my physical therapy put so much pressure on my leg that the old brake came back again.

My doctor missed it in the X Ray and he didn’t see me in a follow up till Mid August, two months after the partial replacement.

So, after seeing me in his office he said this is not right and then he said we need a surgery right now before my leg had a total collapse.

But, shocked after working so hard in PT, I needed some time to get ready for a second surgery that was to put a plate in my leg with connecting screws.

I trusted this doctor. I wanted to trust. But even though he said he was going to treat me like his father, he was not the guy. The clues I should have faced and seen?

No follow through on seeing details, seeing the old break. No Seeing or listening to me. Unseen.

The right leg broke further after more Physical Therapy. Now six of the seven screws were broken in the leg.

You see, I should have had a total redo. Whole new total knee replacement; a fitted cast to walk with; a rod to support the leg.

But some young smart doctors don’t want to admit a mistake; they want to keep the partial because that was still ‘ok’

His first call was ‘right’ and he could prove it. The second operation would prove it.

And myself? Well, this smart guy was too trusting to ask his doctor medicine friends for help. Advice. No, I was alone and would manage alone.

So I had a second operation that failed; my spirit was empty and broken more than my leg.

My doctor said maybe I could get by for awhile on, with the one screw that was holding everything together.

I started asking, seeking other advice, consults. And I went to medical friends and found through one of their recommendations my present doctor.

He is the one who last Friday gave me a whole new reset. Knee; bone, the works.

He was very happy that he could re drill the screws out of my bone without breaking my bones further. As he told Priscilla, I had ‘a waterfall, a landscape of small fractures.’ I feel that he saw, that he sees me.

So, nine days out I have restarted PT and I am healing.

It feels different this time.

But whether it – my leg- is healing now or not, I am at peace. How?

Because of you, you who have seen, you who have love me.

Priscilla and I have, during this time of virus, been taking care of our NYC grandchildren Sam -9- and Charlotte-7- while Elisabeth was caring for patients at Sloan. I have been writing.( see for both pictures and writings)

The kiddos returned to Queens on Mother’s Day; we had the, I had the third surgery on the 22nd.

Friends took us to the hospital and back; friends bought food for us. Friends sent books to read. Practical.

And friends prayed. The spiritual.

You all are both. Practical and spiritual partners, coverers.

How can you help, give, going forward?

Pray for Priscilla and I to love each other; to love this process and to love those He brings towards, to, us.

Pray for a love supreme, a divine and defining love.

Thank you all for your patience as we communicate. I wanted to send this update out earlier, but now, this is the time.

Much love


shared by a young woman, in tears,

“someone gave me a present of a small, soft bunny-I keep it close, but not to close to me-“

“as I feel better about myself I bring the bunny closer and closer.” ( in tears) “Soon I will be able to touch her.”

the second day, managing tears


“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.”

a hard day yesterday… two months with a person; they passed. a thought for myself today, especially after yesterday, yesterday …

Acts 20:36- ‘When Paul had finished speaking,he knelt down with all of them&prayed. 37 They all wept as they embraced him and kissed him.’

Today, – make a ‘kneeling list’ …a list of those whom you want to kneel,weep, pray,&kiss

Pause,pause again, carefully, thoughtfully, and communicate to each your&his love 💓 for them

With them

I may be powerless; yes, I am powerless.

But He isn’t

As I kneel, so does He.


a 90 in 90? Or, how about 90 meetings in 79 days? 70 days? how about 90 ZOOM meetings in a day?

the first meeting in a 90 and 90 is with your higher power…..

“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.”

first step of the 90, we admit; say it; speak it; live who we are

who I am …

step 1

Acts 20, Paul’s magnificent 7

from Acts 20, the magnificent 7

after the uproar, Paul decides to continue on his journeys. What is his purpose?

verse 2 tells of his …. “speaking many words of encouragement”

Acts 20 speaks of Paul

‘When the uproar had ended, Paul sent for the disciples and, after encouraging them, said goodbye and set out for Macedonia. 2 He traveled through that area, speaking many words of encouragement to the people, and finally arrived in Greece, 3 where he stayed three months. Because some Jews had plotted against him just as he was about to sail for Syria, he decided to go back through Macedonia. 4 He was accompanied by Sopater son of Pyrrhus from Berea, Aristarchus and Secundus from Thessalonica, Gaius from Derbe, Timothy also, and Tychicus and Trophimus from the province of Asia. 5 These men went on ahead and waited for us at Troas….’

Paul has seven men with him.

“He was accompanied by Sopater ..,Aristarchus and Secundus … Gaius, …Timothy also, and Tychicus and Trophimus …’

Saul, who becomes Paul after Barnabas’ encouragements, is now the encourager. Changed, he speaks; he is followed; he is ‘accompanied’.

Paul, in need of companions, is blessed by these 7 men. In need of campions, he both accompanies and is a ‘companied.’

Encouraged by Barnabas, Paul begins to encourage. This is his journey; this is ours.

Encourage another now; today. Encourage.