37, listing

Romans 12: 18 states, ‘if possible of you, living at peace with all men

there are always principles with each step; some I can see and feel; some are unseen and ones I can’t feel. But, in making a list of amends, I need to rely on the principle of ‘wholistic’ counting.

My sponsor asked me to look at my behavior whether drinking or not. Was I kind, tolerant and considerate of others, or was I mean spirited, impatient and selfish? What were my motives when dealing with family members, friends, co-workers etc. Was I hell-bent on getting only what I wanted and not concerned with what was “right”? Oh, and let’s not forget the self-pity that I poured out on those ( who did not ask ). I wanted to absorb them into my life stories of pains, hurts and betrayals.

An amend list not considering my whole life is, for me, a one-way ticket to isolation island.

Isolation from my past self; from others; from memories and feelings. Isolation from all that makes me human, me. I isolate, with my incomplete listing, myself from my most intense and functional emotion: my natural ability to be empathetic. I bottled and boundary my feelings to stop feeling who should be on my whole life list.

So, I must, must, – to be at peace – feel all, everyone, every hurt. I must go back and feel all the hurts I have caused, so, so I might get to the place of peace that Paul writes of in Romans 12. ‘All men’ means for me,

‘Amends’- all a mens.

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