a lake

by the lake

here, by our small small calm lake: without children or dogs or memories or Priscilla, I sit by a sign : ‘do not feed the alligators’

my memories; my gifted silences, I must see but not abide with; touch, but do not hold; listen, hear but not repeat

never relive; never repeat… just sit, by a lake

in August, 1980

we were engaged, but you had doubts: I was divorced; 5 years younger than you; you had systemic lupus…

so when Sean’s, your nephew’s christening came in august, you disinvited me…

so I ran, thinking, it was over- you and me …

but then you showed at my McGraw Avenue flat and came in,

you opened yourself, I accepted

and all ended

to forgive,

https://www.npr.org/2021/08/16/1028241903/bob-dylan-sued-alleged-1965-sexual-abuse

the essential question: where, when, does forgiveness begin? And when is an offended, hurt person to let go – let go of hurts, to forgive, even if they are never asked or approached by the offender?

I, sadly, have had many people hurt me and never asked for anything, any forgiving, from myself: spouses; pastors; friends; family … in sorrows, it is a long line. And I am on it with at least one person I hurt horribly.

So, where and when does forgiveness begins?

I personally believe the desire for forgiveness only stops when the offending person makes amends, approaches and asks the hurting party if they can speak together, listen together. Forgive face to face; heart to heart.

They may not be able to ‘ make it right’ but they can in ‘humility’ the offender can listen and ask for forgiveness.

This ‘how to’ stance of listening and being humble is an essential first step.

This is the Lord’s Prayer,

I see the Lord’s Prayer shows this step, forgive as you desire to be forgiven

I believe that if another comes to me, makes the step, to say I have hurt them; then I listen and try to ask for forgiveness as much as I can ‘amend’- but they have to come.

I have tired to find the person I failed but have not been able too. But I will keep stepping; trying; praying.

And if those who hurt me never come? Daily, moment by moment, I forgive them. By name… prayerfully

And writing about it

, helps

so,

you knew I was never, ever…

loved, by a mother who gave me up at birth,

by a father, as i rescued him at death, who said ‘I love be you’ as a brother, and sister, never asked, ( but they were both silent: silence is their weapon )

so, twin brother, sister, you lived, as I ..,

healings

21 But if a wicked person turns away from all the sins they have committed and keeps all my decrees and does what is just and right, that person will surely live; they will not die.

Ezekiel 18: 21

with much love, I consider how I have not, not ever been able to heal

myself, or another

my hands, my fingers, were too short to reach the deepest, bloodiest of hurts

my heart was too impulsive, too emotional, to hold another within moments

my eyes, too weak, blind really to see the whole of others

my ears too full to hear

my only hope is in my washing myself in his word; so I can feel, be cleansed of sins

wash; wash, cleansed for a moment, a healing, a first healing