by the lake
here, by our small small calm lake: without children or dogs or memories or Priscilla, I sit by a sign : ‘do not feed the alligators’
my memories; my gifted silences, I must see but not abide with; touch, but do not hold; listen, hear but not repeat
never relive; never repeat… just sit, by a lake
barbara, in a strawberry 🍓 sweater,
at Cathy Richardson’s Christmas party,
Barbara, put her right leg on my chest and
spoke, I looked
but, but, you
never, ever
loved
we were engaged, but you had doubts: I was divorced; 5 years younger than you; you had systemic lupus…
so when Sean’s, your nephew’s christening came in august, you disinvited me…
so I ran, thinking, it was over- you and me …
but then you showed at my McGraw Avenue flat and came in,
you opened yourself, I accepted
and all ended
https://www.npr.org/2021/08/16/1028241903/bob-dylan-sued-alleged-1965-sexual-abuse
the essential question: where, when, does forgiveness begin? And when is an offended, hurt person to let go – let go of hurts, to forgive, even if they are never asked or approached by the offender?
I, sadly, have had many people hurt me and never asked for anything, any forgiving, from myself: spouses; pastors; friends; family … in sorrows, it is a long line. And I am on it with at least one person I hurt horribly.
So, where and when does forgiveness begins?
I personally believe the desire for forgiveness only stops when the offending person makes amends, approaches and asks the hurting party if they can speak together, listen together. Forgive face to face; heart to heart.
They may not be able to ‘ make it right’ but they can in ‘humility’ the offender can listen and ask for forgiveness.
This ‘how to’ stance of listening and being humble is an essential first step.
This is the Lord’s Prayer,
I see the Lord’s Prayer shows this step, forgive as you desire to be forgiven
I believe that if another comes to me, makes the step, to say I have hurt them; then I listen and try to ask for forgiveness as much as I can ‘amend’- but they have to come.
I have tired to find the person I failed but have not been able too. But I will keep stepping; trying; praying.
And if those who hurt me never come? Daily, moment by moment, I forgive them. By name… prayerfully
And writing about it
, helps
you knew I was never, ever…
loved, by a mother who gave me up at birth,
by a father, as i rescued him at death, who said ‘I love be you’ as a brother, and sister, never asked, ( but they were both silent: silence is their weapon )
so, twin brother, sister, you lived, as I ..,
21 “But if a wicked person turns away from all the sins they have committed and keeps all my decrees and does what is just and right, that person will surely live; they will not die.
Ezekiel 18: 21
with much love, I consider how I have not, not ever been able to heal
myself, or another
my hands, my fingers, were too short to reach the deepest, bloodiest of hurts
my heart was too impulsive, too emotional, to hold another within moments
my eyes, too weak, blind really to see the whole of others
my ears too full to hear
my only hope is in my washing myself in his word; so I can feel, be cleansed of sins
wash; wash, cleansed for a moment, a healing, a first healing
from Poetry magazine
‘Ashley M. Jones is interested in the way that poetry can bring loved ones back to life.’ I am interested in the ways poetry can bury once loved ones without living memory.
drafts 