I must be blind not to see and feel her
with my eyes
at the same moment
poem series
‘if ‘ for Raymond Chandler
‘if I had a gun to her back she couldn’t,
wouldn’t, stand by me.’
why?
love is a foreign dream for her…words, bought presents but not a ‘presence’ in a real, hurtful moment.
a hurtful moment? what is a hurtful moment?
when you find out that a loved, a loved one,
one who is now both unfaithful &
faithless
when they hurt you…without prayerful listening.
when there is no human touch
when she does not hear; listen; trust or believe
or he
hurt, not healing
death, not life
faithless
in their unfaithfulness
can you, just stop hurting me? that is my prayer
You can’t; so
hurt
families
Mark 3:31-35 Then Jesus’ mother and brothers came to see him. They stood outside and sent word for him to come out and talk with them. 32 There was a crowd sitting around Jesus, and someone said, “Your mother and your brothers are outside asking for you.”
Jesus replied, “Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?” Then he looked at those around him and said, “Look, these are my mother and brothers. Anyone who does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.”
families
life, breathe, run, walk
die
with you
they don’t
give you up at nine years of age because your widow father wants to remarry
they don’t think of love as a ‘favour’
they don’t not see you
or not listen when you are not speaking
they don’t make your sky darker among millions of stars
they are light
are a soft wave
a kiss
a laugh that accepts
they don’t count your failings
but forgets
forgives things, even
a thing like
you
families faithfully
forget
but they never forget
you
do children love?
do children love?
or are they a little lower than a dog,
who cares for one master
and
no others?
so
so last night I lived
a dream, I found her, by my arms, by hands
my mouth
sow, reap, seed
a touch, a life
with you
sky
dark, light by soft, yet bright
light
glows on my eyes as I enter
my orange volkswagen in the bronx
this june night may be my last
as my appendix has brust and
poison gently fills by blood stream
pain has left
but I must move my car-traffic
agents will not stop their tickets
if I die; someone will pay
someone, but
not me
the doctor understood; she said: ‘you have five minutes-go’
she knew I wanted to see
sky
she knew
as, dr who
as
as bodies fall and
fail
love, true love, remains but
not as, as you may envision or
think
dr who tells the love he failed, he thanks her
as, as his thoughts change,
insights come,
screwdriver passes to
us
‘love, it’s not an emotion. Love is a promise and he will never hurt her. PE, catch!’
Catch, as PE
I give
I give
you, something
blue
my bleeding heart, a blood of light, light carolina blue
he, doesn’t really care
grey hair in strings,
belly
totally, totally exposed from the ribs to trouser belt
but you have no belt on the sweat pants
because sweat pants are for us, the sad and
Sadly overweight
we stare straight ahead and walk all in slimming black
that fails
all fails,
falls
we walk
on the Northern line
on the Northern line
to older women in light, coloured jumpers,
to the older woman in the lightly covering jumper on just
your shoulders in July
your body is cooling, dying in London’s July heat as the ancient King David, he at least was given a beautiful virgin to keep him warm, he had an Abishag, a ‘very beautiful girl; she took care of the king and waited on him, but the king had no intimate relations with her.’
did you ever think that you would be so cold in July on the tube, without a lover’s hand, their eye, to caress and warm you?
the two young blondes women to your right and
your left have no jump-
-ers
they sit
-one in a white light sleeveless top, the other in a black tank top, both have their eyes fixed straight ahead
Focused on a
A future stop
it has not arrived, yet
they are waiting on flat black heels not seeing you, your bluish purple hands
your engagement ring on top of your large gold wedding band, your left hand on the side of your face
where is that man, that woman, that person who loved you?
a business trip?
a divorce?
Separation or a
death?
Alone, as your blonde companions,
Your eyes closed, then open, then closed again you see them
try not to go past
your stop
it will come soon